My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
