the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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