Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
