she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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