So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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