Sry I called you an 8
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
