he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
