He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Randomize
