hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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