Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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