Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
