4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
you will always have a special place in my vag
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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