I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
