hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
