No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
