i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
