Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
