I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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