he told me I talked like a deaf person
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
