I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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