I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
