Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
