so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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