Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
