just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
