there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Randomize
