I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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