omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
