i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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