I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
