she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
i black out too much to be "responsible"
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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