How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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