Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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