I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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