I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Randomize
