: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
