census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
