I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
