got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Randomize
