anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
