Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
