Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
