Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
