i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
