hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
