So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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