i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
