Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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