Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
