My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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