I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
