Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Just pee around me
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
