...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
