how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
