only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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