I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
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