The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
